Somawee and ginzama

My friend and I decided one day a while ago during a text messaging conversation that we were saying "Amazing" and "Awesome" too often. So we agreed that we would only use our own private language words when ever we wanted to express how much awe we felt, and how mazed we were ("maze"). We decided our words of choice were to be "ginzama" and "somawee".

So today somebody did something that I thought was truly somawee. About ten of us were sat around a table chin-wagging. I think I was winding a friend up about how she was expected to a do a party piece at a dinner-party I had invited her to (I certainly do expect her to do this, but by pretending to be winding her up, I was thinking that she might be more likely to think it a good idea). Others were snacking and drinking tea.

In walks another friend with pizzas piled so high that she could only balance them by using her nose, which really isn't big enough for the task. She plonked them on a table, and announced "I am really depressed, so here you are!"

I thought to myself "Hang on a minute, YOU'RE depressed and you're buying US pizzas!". I couldn't get my head round it. Obviously the concept of being depressed and giving others something as a result is was foreign to me. Well, it certainly isn't now. The room lit up, the people stood up and promptly......

......grabbed some pizza!

And they gathered round this person and started quizzing her about what had led the black dog to her shoulder, and how rude it was to have done so, and how it better get lost or else.

But that is not the point. The point is that her reaction when it did appear was outward. The point was not the gathering round and spitting pizza, not the gathering round to hear her story and provide camaraderie and comfort, not the hugs, not the advice, not the consolation, not everything else (we would have done all of this anyway), but the decision; "I feel shit so I'm going to go and get some pizzas to bring pizza joy to my friends".

Somawee and ginzama.

Oh, to have a wonderful laugh.

I’ve been to see Gryff Rhys Jones this evening.

Gryff is an honorary Suffolk man. The East Anglian Daily Times call him “ the Suffolk comedian, Gryff Rhys Jones”.

I remember him in Smith and Jones (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQicl2US5UA), as I am sure many of us do.

Tonight he took a bit of a retrospective on his career (somewhat like Phil Hammond at Colchester earlier in the year) https://twsy.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/connections.html) and then proceeded to review some of his travels (whereas Phil took a look at the NHS, and our own health - CLANGERS).

Now, I quite like Gryff. I think he’s funny. I don’t go in for the performance, but I like the intelligence and the situational funniness.

Gryff talked bit about growing up with a father who liked boats and boating, like my grandfather. He talked about Arthur Ransome and sailing from West Mersea north round the coast. He talked about his (second) home on the banks of the Stour, and the worry associated with flood risk. (My rivers are the Deben and the Alde).

I had the pleasure of a woman sitting behind me who had a really enjoyable laugh, and so obviously liked Gryff.

He told us of his trip to Scotland for his new series, his travels to New York and Manchester… all the time alluding to the pressure the BBC put on him to do these things, rather than, possibly his need to work…

The interval was like the old days where a woman with a tray of ice creams made herself available - the choices were basic; vanilla , strawberry and chocolate.

In the second half, Gryff was more relaxed. He  entertained well about his relationship with Easyjet, which some of his will share. Not as it sounds, like the Stansted Express, which stops at Bishops Stortford.

And his holiday trip to St Petersburg via Finland. I think this may have been a reference to Three Men in a Boat, and it certainly rang a chord with me - Erskine Childers’ Riddle of the Sands…. Finland has thousands of islands off the coast, and Gryff in the boat with two others wanting a good time, headed for the coast in the dark, and they ended up berthing next to a cement factory.

Gryff then suggested how wonderful travel was, how the most difficult thing is to pass through the front door on your way out, which the audience seemed to agree with. And then again on your return, because you can’t find the key.

“Travel well, and try to end up somewhere good”.

I told the woman behind me how wonderful her laugh was. She looked a little embarrassed. I just don’t get it. I’d love to be told that I have a wonderful laugh.

That's how you do it

I was just walking through town and almost bumped into a young man, say 25 year old, maybe less, handing out flyers for a nightclub (the sort that get you in for free, or two for one).

We side-stepped each other and, though I saw him look me up and down, he otherwise ignored me.

Then, from behind I heard him exclaim "Wow, you two will definitely get in!". I hardly needed to look to see the two twenty-something year old women walking along enjoying their shopping.

They reacted with a smile and a "no thank you, darling".

And they chuckled to themselves as they carried on walking.

I carried on too, (half) smiling to myself.

A hand to hold

I was at Dr Phil Hammond's gig at Colchester Arts Centre recently (Thursday 13th April 2017). Phil's a GP.

And a comedian.

And a journalist.

And an author.

And a commentator on the NHS.

Anyway, this isn't about him... nor me. It's about the gig and someoe in the audience.

 

I'll just tell you about the gig first. The arts centre, an old church. Full to capacity. A bar, but no drunkenness.

Phil, himself, said, right at the start, that the show was going to be about intelligent kindness and love, including self love.

Two halves to the show; the first half about Phil's biography as an illustration of what he called SYOSO (sort your own self out), the second about SEOSO (sorting each other's selves out, including the publlc services).

 

I made couple of notes. Even though Phil used a slide show, I didn't think I could treat it like a lecture. No-one else was.

During the first half:

• His life story, but with lots of self-deprecation, one of the three critical elements described in George Mikes’ English Humour for Beginners - understatement, self-deprecation and plain cruelty.

• Medical tips (get vaccinated, protect your skin from sunburn etc)

• His uncle’s fuck it philosophy (80% of the time it will work to just say “Fuck it”)

• Suicide and the importance of talking

• The importance of a good death

In the second half:, SEOSO:

• Lots of anecdotes, relatives' use of reminders (mantras maybe).

• Anger makes you angry, love makes you lovely.

• Sustainability and transformation plans; something like the “service turning private” (can’t quite remember what he said, but you get the gist)

• The 3 Ps; pleasure, passion, purpose

• The importance of self love, that which makes self care possible.

• Self care, that which makes self-love possible
  

• And the CLANGERS

Now, the CLANGERS: He talked about the soup dragon, but his main message was the 8 behaviours recommended for resilience, though he didn’t mention this word at this point.

1. Connection – authentic, meaningful, kind, loving encounters (short and long term). Social connections.

He told the story of the hugs that he had tried to encourage some of his audiences to do at previous gigs.

An old man approached him at a subsequent gig and said that he hoped Phil was going to get them hugging again. It had been some years since that man had been hugged and he had returned hoping for more.

 

I can’t say that he was meaning to encourage us to hug each other more. I have tried this myself by writing “Please Hug More” on a poster at work relating to how the Bear Hugger (a device for warming cold, not dead, patients up) should work, I have not received a single additional hug from my work colleagues as a result.

He showed a  photo of two hearts hugging. I cannot find the same photo anywhere

 

I think of the church practice of shaking hands with your neighbours and wishing them peace (aaaaarggghhh-awkwardness followed by warmth and relief that it had gone ok.

 

2. Learn - Carry on learning and doing stuff for its own sake.

3. (Be) Active, or pro-active. Exercise well. Not trying to run a marathon or impress by doing an assault course when you are best off walking a walk or breast stroking in odd places.

4. Notice stuff (be mindful). This means different things to differenet people. A clinical psychologist I know said to think of it as taking a picture. Alternatively don't miss the kingfisher through watching the ground at your feet.

I am not criticising looking at ones feet. When in crisis, it's hard not to. We also have to avoid bags of pooh.

5. Give back. The pleasure is in the giving. A difficult one for some this. Who to give to? What to give? Start with thinking about it and noticing when you have given without forethought (your time for example).

6. Eat well. Eati mindfully. Know what you are eating. Maybe create what you eat, where you can.

7. Rest and Relax. I had learnt this one as "Boundaries" e.g. work-life balance, but they aren't far apart. I heard someone refer to work life integration this week. "I am walking the dog, bu thinking about work". I sometimes relax when I am at work, and I sometimes fail to relax when I am at home and should do. It's not meant to be easy.

8. Sleep well. Quantity and quality. How hard it is, but great it would be, to deliberately go to bed earlier, and then get up earlier and better rested.

Now, did I say I’d gone to this gig by myself? This isn’t unusual for me. I have often gone to things on my own (I remember being in a cinema in Bilbao, Spain with one other person, a man dressed in a raincoat. It was daytime and a sunny day at that- I’m not sure why I was going to the cinema on such a day, but I was.  The man was at the front. I made sure I was at the back. Perhaps he was much like me. We could have had coffee).

 

I am not sure what film it was. Almodovar maybe.

 

I remember that Bob Dylan was playing a gig at the bullring in Bilbao. Sold out.

I sometimes go places on my own because that is what I want to do.

 

Now, back to Colchester Arts Centre. I was one of the last in (I’d been messing about in my flat listening to the Kings of Leon) I hadn’t got a seat. I leant against one of the church pillars rather than climb across other members of the audicence.

Phil was getting us to participate in chanting. The chanting they do on the NHS protest marches, not Gregorian chanting.

And he asked us to hold hands with the people next to us.

Aaaaaaaarggghhh!

The nearest person to my left was the other side of the bar and I had had a long discussion with her about standing up at comedy gigs – which I don't think you should ever do.

To my right was a whole row of people sat down on chairs, with one empty seat, mine obviously.  Closest to me was a young woman. I never got a look at her face, but I’d enjoyed her laughing, particular at the Hunt’s a cunt chant (Phil never acutally got us doing this one, but we knew we were all doing it internally), and I just knew she was either a GP, or a higher trainee. Emergency medicine I reckon – though I don’t think Colchester have higher trainees in Emergency medicine, so perhaps I was just demonstrating familiarity bias.

So, what did I do?

 

I just put my hands in my pockets.

I though I’d got away with it.

Then I felt this little caress on my right forearm, and then a tap.

Tap tap.

Tap tap.

Aaaaaaarrrggh!

I took my hand out of my pocket and slowly agreed to connect my hand to hers.

Humpf.

I continued to look straight ahead (it was dark but she might not have noticed me continue looking straight ahead, I don’t know.

It was nice hand though.

Warm and moist, without being sweaty.

I hadn’t held hands for years. Hand shakes don’t count.

So, what did I do?

I squeezed it.

Obviously.

No doubting.

I’d squeezed it.

Still looking ahead.

I can’t remember what the joke being  told was now.

And what happened?

She squeezed it back.

 

A reflex I suspect.

The joke over. I think he told us, as if hypnotized that it was time to stop holding hands.

 

We parted.

No tears. No sadness.

I put my hand back in my pocket.

I carried on looking ahead.

But…

I was warm inside.

 

I cannot remember the joke, though it had been funny.

 

I do remember the squeeze.

I thanked her before I left. She didn't bat an eyelid. It hadn't meant anything to her.

 

She would be holding hands again soon.

Having driven to Colchester on my own, I drove back on my own. I thought about Phil, this amazing doctor with all these other strings to his bow. I though about my career. I’d been a GP. I’d tried my hand at journalism. We’re all commentators on the NHS. I’d tried comedy. I’d even tried writing a book. I’d imagined being a Royal Marine, a Spanish interpreter, a rock drummer.

 

I still think of being a rock drummer.

Chimp Paradox, two side summary

Chimp Paradox

 

Part 1, the inner

 

The chimp paradox is the concept that your chimp can hijack you for good or bad (the chimp being the emotional brain, the other brains being the human and the computer).

It is inevitable. Go easy on yourself. Use the negative emotions to move forward.

We should try and understand ourselves and recognize hijacking by the chimp by when we would answer no to the question 'do I want this?'

Chimp can be managed (not controlled) by

• Exercise (allowing it to satisfy its instincts)
• Boxing (feeding it facts, truth and logic when its calmed down)
• Bananas (sometimes useful but not powerful)

Computer

Fast and does automatic stuff/autopilots

• Gremlins: Constructive or negative/destructive biases. Removable.
• Goblins: Similar but fixed

Provides a reference source. Reference points:

1. the mindset = the perceptions you have which influence your approach...(positive or negative)
2. what you believe is true, what you value and your purpose which we can chose, the most settling influence on your chimp, your mind and your universe.

Personality

 

A mixture of the three brains, on all of which you can work on. ‘What you wish to be is what you are’

Part 2, day to day

 

Communication

 

'Some people you will never please and they will never like you’

Respect other people. Concentrate on the ones you care about. Walk (or run) from the unacceptable ones

Know your impact factor, your impact on others, energiser or drain.

Human persuades chimp that everyone is human, chimp invites everyone into the inner circle, some of them then behave like chimps

Give your team appropriate roles. Communication is critical and learnable

Model = The Square of communication; Time, Place, Agenda (=content), Way (=presentation)

4 ways to communicate; H to H (ideal), C to H, H to C, C to C (nightmare)

Assertiveness (human) with aggression (chimp)

Be prepared

Attend to Body language, Intonation (speed, VOLUME and emphasis), Use of words, Ambience

Unresolved conflict; negotiation, mediation, arbitration

Environments

 

These chimp’s and human’s worlds are in conflict. The computer makes sense of them and real world emerges

The chimp in a jungle is driven by finances/possessions, friends, job, (emotional) food, time out, food, power, sex... fun, other sorts of stimulation

The human in a world of logic and compassion thrives on social/role/purpose, soulmate and intellectual stimulation, laughter, achievements, altruism, future planning...

Stress

 

Stress, both necessary and necessary not, when demand outstrips resources (in and out, response; fight, flight, freeze

Options of avoiding it and being ready for it

The appropriate reaction to stress is to slow down and allow the human and good automatic behaviours of the computer to take over from the chimp and the negative automatic behaviour of the computer.


Accept and Move on with a Plan

Most situations are emotionally stressful only if you allow them to be

Self as source of stress

• Creating own misery (eg being rude)
• Red herrings (blaming the wrong things)
• Mushroom syndrome (worries)
• Conflicting drives (e.g. work and family)

Others as source of stress

• Think communication skills
• Don't beat yourself up/feel guilty
• Think how (solution) cf why (problem)
• Don't be caught holding a worthless stone

Part 3, goals

 

Health

 

Look after them (be proactive) but and rest. Emotional rehab takes time.

Take ‘emotional painkillers’

• Friends and family for support
• Close friends; share the pain
• Accept help      
• BE KIND TO YOURSELF/love yourself
• Allow yourself to deal how you wish to

Success, Foundations of

 

Define success and measure it. The fundamental stabilisers:

Working with others

Leadership, Followership, Relationships/team play

The CORE principle

1.                   Commitment

2.                   Ownership

3.                   Responsibility/accountability

4.                   Excellence

Motivation

Carrots better than stick

Success, Planning for

1.       Aim for stars not moon, with SmArt goals stop chimp form being frustrated...

2.       Identify a few foundation stones rather than multiple tasks

3.       Planning and structure e.g. commitment sharpening axe

4.       Oil the wheels

• Feel the fear
• Think of it like climbing a mountain
• Carrots

5.       Audit/learn

• Hold up a mirror
• Be accountable to someone
• Review goals
• Recognise when you are behaving inappropriately
• Making responsible yourself, circumstances, other people not the other way round
• Deal with outcomes, grieve and learn inc from depression post success
• Beware negative autopilots

• Turn on the light and go to court

Confidence

Confidence and security stabilise happiness therefore they are important to establish ...

The human way on which to base confidence as above…

Self-confidence: Be “attractive”. Relationship fails? Loss of self-confidence normal, be gentle on self, avoid self-pity.

Security

Chimp seeks Security = A feeling of safety in team and environment

Human accepts change, vulnerability and risk. Familiarity can be helpful or unhelpful

Our chimps are our own… At times of insecurity/trouble rely on your team/a pro

Separate physical and emotional dependence on someone. Listen to your best friends

Gain security from within based on beliefs, values, purpose. Seek reassurance, but not too much..., give reassurance without being asked. Know what is in your control and what isn't

Happiness

It's a choice, work on it. Four systems; self, others, environment (accommodation/work) and comms/human factors

Develop your having and 'being', distinguish, having (knowledge, skill, personality), doing…

Know your philosophy (beliefs, purpose, values first), then worry about who you are.

Make your choice: Self image, worth, esteem, confidence

Understand needs and avoid clashes of human and chimp .Want doesn't mean need, see environments, and drives

Add on extras: See Environment

Achievements and possessions rarely bring happiness for long.

You want your partner to make you feel good, develop, bring out your best, put you first, accept you... you've got to do that for them.

Implement a plan, a happiness approach and list

1. look for solutions not problems
2. choose not to be bothered by some situations
3. question the value of brooding
4. learn to laugh
5. be proactive
6. deal with causes of situations

Invent a virtual twin, feedback, preferably with humour

Happiness promoters

Replacing negative auto-pilots with positive ones

Lifestyle not battle. Beware dichotomous thinking

Enjoy the roses while watching out for the thorns - tragi-comedy

Cross each bridge rather than crystal ball gazing and seeing doom and gloom

Take your hand out of the fire (be proactive). Don't try to share your house with a tiger

Rubbish in rubbish out (look after your happiness). Don't feel you have to make everyone happy all the time. Love yourself

Postscript

There is always a choice

Soren Kierkegaard Quote

Soren Kierkegaard Quote

"Most people are subjective toward themselves and objective toward all others, frightfully objective sometimes--but the task is precisely to be objective toward oneself and subjective toward all others".