Chimp Paradox, two side summary

Chimp Paradox

 

Part 1, the inner

 

The chimp paradox is the concept that your chimp can hijack you for good or bad (the chimp being the emotional brain, the other brains being the human and the computer).

It is inevitable. Go easy on yourself. Use the negative emotions to move forward.

We should try and understand ourselves and recognize hijacking by the chimp by when we would answer no to the question 'do I want this?'

Chimp can be managed (not controlled) by

• Exercise (allowing it to satisfy its instincts)
• Boxing (feeding it facts, truth and logic when its calmed down)
• Bananas (sometimes useful but not powerful)

Computer

Fast and does automatic stuff/autopilots

• Gremlins: Constructive or negative/destructive biases. Removable.
• Goblins: Similar but fixed

Provides a reference source. Reference points:

1. the mindset = the perceptions you have which influence your approach...(positive or negative)
2. what you believe is true, what you value and your purpose which we can chose, the most settling influence on your chimp, your mind and your universe.

Personality

 

A mixture of the three brains, on all of which you can work on. ‘What you wish to be is what you are’

Part 2, day to day

 

Communication

 

'Some people you will never please and they will never like you’

Respect other people. Concentrate on the ones you care about. Walk (or run) from the unacceptable ones

Know your impact factor, your impact on others, energiser or drain.

Human persuades chimp that everyone is human, chimp invites everyone into the inner circle, some of them then behave like chimps

Give your team appropriate roles. Communication is critical and learnable

Model = The Square of communication; Time, Place, Agenda (=content), Way (=presentation)

4 ways to communicate; H to H (ideal), C to H, H to C, C to C (nightmare)

Assertiveness (human) with aggression (chimp)

Be prepared

Attend to Body language, Intonation (speed, VOLUME and emphasis), Use of words, Ambience

Unresolved conflict; negotiation, mediation, arbitration

Environments

 

These chimp’s and human’s worlds are in conflict. The computer makes sense of them and real world emerges

The chimp in a jungle is driven by finances/possessions, friends, job, (emotional) food, time out, food, power, sex... fun, other sorts of stimulation

The human in a world of logic and compassion thrives on social/role/purpose, soulmate and intellectual stimulation, laughter, achievements, altruism, future planning...

Stress

 

Stress, both necessary and necessary not, when demand outstrips resources (in and out, response; fight, flight, freeze

Options of avoiding it and being ready for it

The appropriate reaction to stress is to slow down and allow the human and good automatic behaviours of the computer to take over from the chimp and the negative automatic behaviour of the computer.


Accept and Move on with a Plan

Most situations are emotionally stressful only if you allow them to be

Self as source of stress

• Creating own misery (eg being rude)
• Red herrings (blaming the wrong things)
• Mushroom syndrome (worries)
• Conflicting drives (e.g. work and family)

Others as source of stress

• Think communication skills
• Don't beat yourself up/feel guilty
• Think how (solution) cf why (problem)
• Don't be caught holding a worthless stone

Part 3, goals

 

Health

 

Look after them (be proactive) but and rest. Emotional rehab takes time.

Take ‘emotional painkillers’

• Friends and family for support
• Close friends; share the pain
• Accept help      
• BE KIND TO YOURSELF/love yourself
• Allow yourself to deal how you wish to

Success, Foundations of

 

Define success and measure it. The fundamental stabilisers:

Working with others

Leadership, Followership, Relationships/team play

The CORE principle

1.                   Commitment

2.                   Ownership

3.                   Responsibility/accountability

4.                   Excellence

Motivation

Carrots better than stick

Success, Planning for

1.       Aim for stars not moon, with SmArt goals stop chimp form being frustrated...

2.       Identify a few foundation stones rather than multiple tasks

3.       Planning and structure e.g. commitment sharpening axe

4.       Oil the wheels

• Feel the fear
• Think of it like climbing a mountain
• Carrots

5.       Audit/learn

• Hold up a mirror
• Be accountable to someone
• Review goals
• Recognise when you are behaving inappropriately
• Making responsible yourself, circumstances, other people not the other way round
• Deal with outcomes, grieve and learn inc from depression post success
• Beware negative autopilots

• Turn on the light and go to court

Confidence

Confidence and security stabilise happiness therefore they are important to establish ...

The human way on which to base confidence as above…

Self-confidence: Be “attractive”. Relationship fails? Loss of self-confidence normal, be gentle on self, avoid self-pity.

Security

Chimp seeks Security = A feeling of safety in team and environment

Human accepts change, vulnerability and risk. Familiarity can be helpful or unhelpful

Our chimps are our own… At times of insecurity/trouble rely on your team/a pro

Separate physical and emotional dependence on someone. Listen to your best friends

Gain security from within based on beliefs, values, purpose. Seek reassurance, but not too much..., give reassurance without being asked. Know what is in your control and what isn't

Happiness

It's a choice, work on it. Four systems; self, others, environment (accommodation/work) and comms/human factors

Develop your having and 'being', distinguish, having (knowledge, skill, personality), doing…

Know your philosophy (beliefs, purpose, values first), then worry about who you are.

Make your choice: Self image, worth, esteem, confidence

Understand needs and avoid clashes of human and chimp .Want doesn't mean need, see environments, and drives

Add on extras: See Environment

Achievements and possessions rarely bring happiness for long.

You want your partner to make you feel good, develop, bring out your best, put you first, accept you... you've got to do that for them.

Implement a plan, a happiness approach and list

1. look for solutions not problems
2. choose not to be bothered by some situations
3. question the value of brooding
4. learn to laugh
5. be proactive
6. deal with causes of situations

Invent a virtual twin, feedback, preferably with humour

Happiness promoters

Replacing negative auto-pilots with positive ones

Lifestyle not battle. Beware dichotomous thinking

Enjoy the roses while watching out for the thorns - tragi-comedy

Cross each bridge rather than crystal ball gazing and seeing doom and gloom

Take your hand out of the fire (be proactive). Don't try to share your house with a tiger

Rubbish in rubbish out (look after your happiness). Don't feel you have to make everyone happy all the time. Love yourself

Postscript

There is always a choice